Assalamualaikum and a happy Sunday everyone..
Well today has been a good day for me. To start with, the sun shone so brightly I couldn't believe it. As usual I started the day by cleaning up my room and chatting with Baba for a bit before making breakfast. Yesterday I had a lovely dream about our family and cannot wait for the time when will arrive here in less than six weeks (13.12.2012) to be exact.
After cooking breakfast I did the usual chores and decided since I was going to the lab to check the growth of my strains I might as well jalan jalan for a bit. I decided to go to Harbourtown where I managed to get a bargain for my leather belt at 2.86AUD and bought some crockery and cutlery for my apartment. I also got chance to meet up with Umi my friend at the Education Dept. for a bit. She came to our house for Eid on Friday and accidentally left her camera so I decided to return it.
When I went to the lab I was really hoping that I could count the colonies of the bacteria which would mean that my experiment worked. Unfortunately it didn't. At first I felt disappointed about it but then decided that it was Allah's will and I will try again tomorrow.
I really don't know what is happening to me but lately I have been feeling a lot of gratefulness for all the blessings Allah has afforded me and feel that whatever challenge that I face if I leave my urusan and redha tetapi usaha He will help me out. This is also the first time since I have been alone that even on days when I cannot pray I feel at peace and happy and not sad.
I think the first six months I was here was really bad for me and so when I now feel better about being away from home and family I feel that I cannot thank Allah enough for not making me feel like 'being in a very very dark place' like I did before; anymore. I did think though that where Allah challenges He eases, and vice versa; and now where my challenge with my family has lessened my workloads/PhD project lab work is getting worse.
Lately it seems as though everything that I am doing that used to be 'kacang' before doesn't seem to work. It has been three weeks since my positive controls have not shown any growth and until I sort that out I was told by my supervisor I best not do anything else.
Well to be honest this is also my first time incorporating controls in my work as previously the stuff I used to do with Claudia didn't necessitate them. So at first I was really gutted and disappointed that I totally didn't know what else to do as I so did not want to disapooint James.
But somehow or rather in my trying to find answers and peace in my heart from all my troubles I began to approach Allah just like I did before when I was in this really dark place some months back. I know that since I came back from Malaysia I had been talking to Him a lot lesser than before.
But when I began to approach Him again to tell him of my troubles again, again He didn't disappoint me. In ways that I did not know how, I felt inclined somewhat to read religious books, listen to lectures on YouTube from Dr. Asri (AP Ustaz Dr.MAZA) and berpuasa where I can; as well as sembahyang Tahajud and Taubat whenever an opportunity arose.
Syukur alhamdulillah my peace and calm has since returned. I now know that although my work is very important right now and I must do my best, if something wrong happens to it , Allah and my PhD are not exclusive. I have Him to help me above all else.
Sure James and Claudia are two very important people in my life tetapi if I bulatkan hati dalam berbuatkan kerja dan usaha sehabis baik SERTA bulatkan hati kepada Allah it will be all right insyaAllah.
No matter what the challenge. What's paramount right now is my relationship with Allah must not falter. If it does then there goes all hope for me.
I know I am not religious and I can never ever aspire to be an ustazah after this ( Ustazahs are too respectable, knowledgeable than I can ever be) but I hope that this journey alone on my own doing my PhD will also increase my level of knowledge, appreciation and submission to Allah s.w.t and Rasulullah s.a.w (p.b.u.h) . Maybe this is why Allah wants me here on my own as I realized when I went back to Malaysia life previously has been too busy it was so easy for me to find an excuse not be closer to Allah.
Now I have the opportunity. I hope I am right in feeling that Allah wants to give me Jannah in the afterlife that's why He has opened my heart whilst it's still not too late.
InsyaAllah, ameen.
I am so thankful to be a Muslim today more than ever, to be given the blessings of my family, sisters and brother, my in-laws and family as well as friends.
I will do my best in my studies so that I will not disappoint Allah s.w.t, RAsulullah s.a.w., my husband, children, siblings, parents and everyone who loves me.
No matter how tough it is and I know it will get much tougher than this, if I put in the greatest effort and bulatkan hati redha dan bertakwa kepada Allah insyaAllah I will get through this.
All that matters is to maintain this peace and love for Allah in my heart and not let anything get in its way; then I will be fine.
Ameen, thank you YA ALLAH
:-)
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